How to Help Someone Feel Seen, Heard and Understood

Why “What Do You Need from Me?” Should be Among the First Things We Say
When someone with serious illness needs to make a decision about treatment, is facing the end of their life, or grieving the death of a loved one, it’s easy to feel like you just don’t know what to say. Learn conversational tools to help them more effectively. https://bit.ly/42hWWEw

#friendship #grieving #whattosay #comfort #howtohelp #treatmentdecisions #dyingfriend #cancer #support #communication #listening #activelistening #seenheardunderstood #HUA 

In this Episode:

• 04:23 – Iowa Road Trip and Recipe of the Week
• 06:44 – “Get a Life, A Real Life” – Excerpt by Anna Quindlen 
• 09:15 – How to See, Hear and Understand in Our Relationships
• 17:21 – Honoring the Life of Hurricane, the most decorated K-9 officer in US history 
• 19:23 – Outro

Related Podcasts:

• S3E18: What to Say to People Who are Grieving
• How Do You Comfort a Dying Loved One?
• S4E5: How to Write a Condolence Note
• S4E1: How to Share the News of a Death with Someone who has Dementia
• S5E6: Mothers and Their Daughters, A Blessing and a Curse
• S3E1: What you can do to help a grieving pet
• S5E3: Grief Groceries – Care Packages for the Bereaved
• S3E14: 15 Ways to Help a Grieving Child
• S1E19: Helping children with loss of a grandparent – with Tracy Harding

Chapters

• 0:00 Intro
• 4:23 Iowa Road Trip and Recipe of the Week
• 6:44 “Get a Life, A Real Life” – Excerpt by Anna Quindlen
• 9:15 How to See, Hear and Understand in Our Relationships
• 17:21 Honoring the Life of Hurricane, the most decorated K-9 officer in US history
• 19:23 Outro

Transcript

Hello and welcome to Everyone Dies, a podcast where we talk about serious illness, dying, death, and bereavement. I'm Marianne Matzo, a nurse practitioner, and I use my experience from working as a nurse for 47 years to help answer your questions about what happens at the end of life. And I'm Charlie Navarette, an actor in New York City, and here to offer an every-person viewpoint to our podcast.

We're both here because we believe that the more you know, the better prepared you are to make difficult medical decisions. Also, this podcast does not provide medical nor legal advice. Please listen to the complete disclosure at the end of the recording.

Welcome to this week's show. It's our anniversary! What are we celebrating? I love when I get to use my cowbell. More cowbell! More cowbell? We've been coming into your home, or car, or bathroom, or wherever you happen to be listening for five years.

Happy anniversary to us! So please relax, get yourself a glass of champagne, and raise a toast to all you've learned hanging out with us. And thank you for spending the next hour with Charlie and me as we talk about what people need when they're talking to you. We are here to offer you edutainment, a combination of education and entertainment, delivered in three halves.

We'll let you do the math on that one. Our main topic is in the second half, so feel free to fast forward to that yackety-yack free zone if you want to. In the first half, Charlie has our recipe of the week and an excerpt from Anna Quinlan's A Short Guide to a Happy Life.

In the second half, I'm going to be helping the people you communicate with to feel seen, heard, and understood. And in the third half, Charlie has an obituary from a highly decorated dog. Charlie, happy anniversary! Well, happy anniversary to you, Marianne.

This is very cool. Five years. Five years! I know, it's nuts.

Every week for five years! Every week. Every week, Marianne. Every week.

And I remember, you know, we started roughly about the time COVID started. Yes, we did. I can't believe COVID started five years ago, actually.

And that too, exactly. Five years ago, we were introduced to COVID. How nice.

And we had the same president five years ago. It's just like so hard to get your head around. Everything is different and the same.

Yes. Yes, it is. Excellent self-control, Charles.

I'm proud of you. Thank you very much. If you could see him, folks, his face is getting redder and redder.

If you could see me. How come that movie didn't do better than it did? I don't know. I don't know.

We're talking about Sweet Charity. Yeah. I mean, it did very well on stage, but I don't know.

I don't know why it didn't. I liked it. Yes.

I particularly liked the Sammy Davis, Jr. I was just going to say that. Yes. And Sammy was on.

Yeah. Yeah. My kids, when they were in eighth grade, were in a play and I was helping with costumes and character development and stuff like that, and there was this one little kid who was supposed to be a rat in the play.

And I said, I want you to go home, I want you to watch this film, and I want you to watch the part with Sammy Davis, Jr., and that's who I want you to be. And so we had them all in black and a turtleneck. It was great.

See, I can corrupt more children than just my own. I don't have to just stick to my two. Of course not.

Yeah. So for our first half, Everyone Dies Road Trip takes you to Iowa, the state that has 20 times more pigs than people. The name Iowa came from the name Iowa, which is a name of one of the original Native American tribes.

Iowa's nickname is the Hawkeye State, which was given to honor the Native American chief, Black Hawk. War chief Makatai Mishi Kai Taak, aka Black Hawk, was born in 1767 and died at age 71. You do the math.

In the War of 1812, he led a group of about 200 warriors and fought against the U.S. Army as allies for the British. I didn't know that. Did you know that Native Americans fought for the British? I did.

Well, alongside the British. Yeah. Yes.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I guess I must have missed that. I must have been absent that day. That's probably what it was.

Yes. Yeah. It was around Michigan and somewhere else where they also helped the French against the British.

Yeah. Just in different, throughout history, the Native American just became allies to people who would basically not kill them. And then, of course, in the end, we took all their land anyways.

A favorite food in Iowa are hamballs. That explains the smile on Mrs. Porky Pig. Meow.

Wait, hang on. Well, it's just in from the Pigpen Newsroom. I'm being told this is not those kinds of balls.

Pardon me. Hamballs are a delightful blend of ground pork and ground ham mixed with graham cracker crumbs, eggs, and milk baked in a magic tangy sweet sauce. These balls of ham would make an irresistible addition to any funeral lunch or pen.

Bon appetit. And now for something completely different. I have an excerpt from the book, A Short Guide to a Happy Life by Anna Quindlen, the bestselling novelist and columnist.

In it, she reflects on what it takes to get a life, to live deeply every day from your own unique self, rather than merely to exist through your days. So I suppose the best piece of advice I could give anyone is pretty simple. Get a life, a real life, not a manic pursuit of the next promotion, the bigger paycheck, the larger house.

Do you think you'd care so very much about those things if you developed an aneurysm one afternoon or found a lump in your breast while in the shower? Get a life in which you notice the smell of saltwater pushing itself on a breeze over the dunes, a life in which you stop and watch how a red-tailed hawk circles over a pond and a stand of pines. Get a life in which you pay attention to the baby as she scowls with concentration when she tries to pick up a cheerio with her thumb and first finger. Turn off your cell phone, turn off your regular phone for that matter.

Keep still, be present. Get a life in which you are not alone. Find people you love and who love you.

And remember that love is not leisure, it is work. Each time I look at my diploma, I remember that I am still a student, still learning every day how to be human. Send an email, write a letter, kiss your mom, hug your dad.

Please go to our webpage for this week's recipe for ham balls, buy porky a drink first, and additional resources for this program. While Everyone Dies is offered at no cost, it's not free to produce. Can we count on you to contribute? Your tax-deductible gift will go directly to supporting our non-profit journalism so that we can remain accessible to everyone.

You can also donate at www.everyonedies.org. That's every, the number one, dies, dot org. Or at our site on Patreon, www.patreon.com, and search for Everyone Dies. Marianne? Perhaps you've been in the military or seen movies about the military and heard service members shouting, hoo-ah, or woo-ah, or oo-rah, depending on your branch of service.

The meaning is heard, understood, acknowledged. Hoo-ah, H-U-A, heard, understood, acknowledged. I've had more than a few times in my life when I wished I could get a hoo-ah from people I'm talking to.

As an educator, I would find myself continuing to explain what I'm talking about until I get some indication that what I'm saying is making sense. Well, that might be necessary in the classroom, but in personal relationships, it can be annoying. All I'm really looking for is a hoo-ah.

Even a hoo, like heard and understood, would make me happy. How do we know, when we're talking to people in our lives, what they are looking for in a conversation that we're having? There are a lot of possibilities when people are talking to each other. Maybe they just want to complain, or they want advice, or they want help to bury a body.

Try to resist falling into the trap of thinking, this is what I would need if I was in their shoes. In this case, you are not in their shoes, and it's not about you. If you want to help people that we're talking with to feel valued, supported, and feel secure, and we want them to feel emotionally closer to us.

When we show genuine concern about what they're struggling with, we are showing respect and kindness and demonstrate that they can trust us. You are involved in a wide range of relationships with people, and with each one, there's an opportunity to be there in the way that they need, or not. Especially when interacting with someone with serious illness, needing to make a decision about a treatment, facing the end of their life, or grieving the death of a loved one, it's easy to feel like you just don't know what to say.

How do you know if you're interacting in a way that makes them feel seen, heard, and understood? You may feel like you know what solution the situation demands, offer it, and then wonder why they've stopped talking to you. The truth is we don't know what a person wants, and sometimes they don't know themselves, unless you ask them. I'd like to suggest that what needs to be said at the start of the conversation is, what do you need from me? Not in the irritable, what do you need from me, but the loving, what do you need from me? What you're trying to understand in asking this question is what they are looking for from this conversation, so that you can then give it to them.

Some people are needing support, reassurance, or a good cry, and if that is the case, you need to just listen to them. Or they may want you to help them solve a problem, come up with a solution, and in that case, you would work on the problem with them in an active role. Sometimes they want you to own up to what you did, or they themselves want to be forgiven.

This might be hard to do, and it's up to you if you will, but at least you know what they are wanting. Sometimes they just want to talk and tell you what happened. They don't want your advice, your solutions, or input.

They want you to listen, and they will figure out what to do on their own. Truthfully, the only way to know what their goal is in talking to you is to ask, what do you want from me? If you can even break it down for them by saying, do you need to vent, or have me listen, or help solving a problem, support, advice, or something else. When they are talking, be an active listener.

Don't just hear, listen. Put your phone away, don't look at your watch. Show genuine interest in their perspective, nodding, make eye contact to convey your attentiveness.

Good communication is about listening, understanding, and responding in a considerate and respectful manner. I had a good friend when I lived in New Hampshire who, when I would talk to her about a troubling situation, would always say to me, if we need to kill them, I will help, and help you bury the body. It was her cheeky way of telling me that whatever I needed, she was there for me.

Now, I'm not suggesting that you kill anybody, but that over-the-top support is really wonderful to experience. Charlie, thoughts, questions? First, I did not know who I meant heard, understood, acknowledged, so thank you for that. Boy, we're both learning new things today, aren't we? Yes.

This is a banner day. Also, I'm really glad you're saying this because it took me a long time to just shut up and listen. If someone, and just to be sensitive and understand, not a time for me to interrupt someone speaking, they need to get this out.

The other thing I learned along the way is that if somebody starts a conversation and I know, for example, there might be a phone call coming that I have to take, I will, at the beginning, just interrupt the person and let them know, hey, listen, I might get a call. I want to hear everything you have to say, just please be aware. I may need to cut out for a minute, but I'll get right back to you, so it doesn't seem like I abruptly being rude or impolite.

To think about listening and to be an active listener. What I find when I need to say something to someone or just simply vent, it just really irritates the shit out of me when someone interrupts me in the middle sentence, oh my God, I know what you mean, and then start talking about themselves. Please don't do that, folks.

It just shuts down the whole conversation. Yeah, it really does. It's not about you, it's about letting someone speak and get something off their chest.

Yeah. You can't always be the person who's always the listener. There needs to be a give and take.

So if you find yourself always, you don't have anybody to vent to, well, then that's a problem, but sometimes people just really need you to be a good friend and engage with them. Yeah, a good friend and active listener. Yeah, don't start diddling around with things, picking up a piece of paper, somebody's talking, and then you get up and walk to the kitchen to get a can of soda or something.

No, just sit there and listen. Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't hear what you said.

I just went and got a pop. What? Can you just repeat that for me? Aren't you cute? I am. Yes.

I'm adorable. Yes, if you do say so yourself. All right, here we go.

In our third half, at the age of 16, Hurricane, the dog who protected President Obama, died in February. On October 22nd, 2014, Hurricane leapt into action to defend then President Barack Obama and the First Family when an intruder scaled the perimeter of the White House and made his way to the residence. His handler and owner, now retired Secret Service agent Marshall Mirachi, was quoted as saying, it just so happened that the President and his family were right inside the front door and somebody jumped the small fence, then the big fence, and got onto the lawn.

He proceeded to come forward and evade several Secret Service officers. The first dog was deployed, and the intruder punched him and kicked him in the face so that the dog was pulled out. That's when I said Hurricane, from the complete opposite side of the North Grounds.

He went into survival mode, and that's something that I've never seen any dog do. Even as Hurricane was getting hit, he was still driving the individual away from the house and back towards the fence. The intruder inflicted serious injuries on Hurricane, who was repeatedly punched, kicked, swung around, and slammed into the ground.

With uncommon bravery, he did not give up, and Hurricane subdued the intruder until his human colleagues could arrive to make an arrest. The Belgian Malinois is the most decorated canine officer in U.S. history and broke a world record with his heroic actions. He was the first recipient of the Animals in War and Peace Distinguished Service Medal during a ceremony at Capitol Hill in Washington, D.C. Hurricane served in the U.S. military from 2012 to 2016 and was always a good boy.

Hurricane, may you rest in peace. And that closes the first episode of Season 6 of Everyone Dies. Please stay tuned, and thanks to all of you for listening.

This is Charlie Navarette, and from Bob Dylan, he who's not busy being born is busy dying. And I'm Marianne Matzo, and we'll see you next week. Remember, every day is a gift.

This podcast does not provide medical advice. All discussion on this podcast, such as treatments, dosages, outcomes, charts, patient profiles, advice, messages, and any other discussion are for informational purposes only and are not a substitute for professional medical advice or treatment. Always seek the advice of your primary care practitioner or other qualified health providers with any questions that you may have regarding your health.

Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have heard from this podcast. If you think you may have a emergency, call your doctor or 911 immediately. Everyone Dies does not recommend or endorse any specific tests, practitioners, products, procedures, opinions, or other information that may be mentioned in this podcast.

Reliance on any information provided in this podcast by persons appearing on this podcast at the invitation of Everyone Dies or by other members is solely at your own risk.